Harry & Luna
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Rorschach's Blot - Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood!
Chapter 62 - Waiting, Anticipating
"NO MORE POTTERS," Snape screamed. "NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE."
"Calm down Snivelus," the Healer said firmly. "Here, why don't we give you a nice potion to help you calm down . . . Orderly."
"Yes Healer," the burly man agreed. He approached Snape and after forcing the Snape's mouth open, inserted a large funnel. "He's ready for the potion now Healer."
"Here we go," the Healer said with a satisfied smile as he dumped the potion down Snape's throat. "Incidentally, you might be interested to know that one of your students brewed this potion just for you."
"Who?" Snape gagged.
"Neville Longbottom," the Healer said proudly. "Isn't that nice."
Snape's eyes bulged and he turned pale with fear. "Oh no."
"Oh yes," the Healer agreed.
"" Everyone looked up at the sound of something snapping ". . . ahaha."
"Harry," Hermione purred as he carried her into the apartment.
"What is it?"
"The Healer said I couldn't do what I planned to do."
"That's fine," Harry assured the girl. "Your health is more important."
"She did say that we could . . . do things the normal way," Hermione added hopefully. "Ok Harry?"
Harry pulled her into a kiss with a smile and tossed her onto the bed. He soon joined her and pulled her close, "come here."
"Oh Harry," she moaned. "I . . . owwww."
"What's wrong?" He asked quickly.
"It's ok," she assured him. "I just bumped my foot and . . ."
"And so we're going to wait until it gets healed," he sighed. "Understand?"
"But we just have to be careful," she protested.
"We're going to wait until it gets healed," he said firmly. "I don't want to hurt you."
"But . . ."
"It's not going to happen . . . unless of course you want to ask Luna for a hand?"
"Good night Harry," she snapped. "Hmph."
"Good night Hermione." He kissed her on the cheek. "One would think a smart girl like you would learn how to be patient."
"One would also think you'd would jump at the chance to jump me," Hermione said hotly.
"Oh but I would," Harry whispered. "After, I won't have a chance of accidentally hurting you."
"Goodnight Harry," she said in a softer tone.
"Ahnd over th' dosh and I won't ave ta hurt you."
"Afraid I'm a bit pushed at the moment," Jill said nervously. "Only have a tenner or so."
"Then it seems that we have a problem," he said calmly as he took a menacing step forward.
Before Jill could react, the space in front of her was filled by two growling Dark Bunnies. "Yes," Gretchen agreed. "We do." Gretchen jammed three inches of her spiked heal into the top of the man's foot and followed up with a strike to the throat while the other Dark Bunny gave him a palm strike to the temple. The two girls took a moment to inspect the fallen man and turned back to Jill.
"Are you alright?" Gone were the harpies and Hermione's mother was left with two worried girls. "He didn't hurt you did he?"
"I'm fine girls," Jill assured them.
"Come on," Gretchen said. "Let's get you back to your house."
Jill was more then a bit amused at how gently the deferential Dark Bunnies treated her as they escorted her home. "This is it girls," she said fondly. "Would you like to come in for something to eat?"
"Thank you Doctor Jill," Gretchen spoke for the group. "We'd love to."
"Hello darling," she greeted her husband as she walked in. "I ran into a bit of trouble on the way home and the girls were kind enough to help me home."
"What kind of trouble?" He asked quickly.
"Oh some misguided youth tried to separate me from my bees and honey and he wasn't too happy when he found out I didn't have much," she said dryly. "The girls arrived just in time to convince him to leave me alone."
"And beat him into a coma," Gretchen added with a happy grin. "He's lucky master wasn't there or we'd have done worse."
"Never miss a chance to show off for master," one of the other girls agreed.
"Well . . ." Phil said. "It's a good thing you girls were there." He hadn't been sure he liked the idea of his wife working with an evil organization before.
"We always have at least two Dark Bunnies watching her," Gretchen replied. "We don't want anything to happen to her."
"Oh." Yep, it seemed that working with that evil organization did have its advantages after all. Having his wife work for one was the best idea he'd ever had.
"And don't worry about the body," Gretchen continued. "It's been a while but Elizabeth still remembers how to erase all traces of the bugger."
"What?" Jill asked in alarm. "You didn't kill him did you?"
"Then you will turn him over to the proper authorities," Jill said firmly.
"But . . ."
"But nothing," Jill continued. "Do you understand me young lady?"
"Yes ma'am," the cowed Gretchen agreed.
"Good girl," Jill said with a smile. "Now, I'm going to go clean up. Just ask Phil if you need anything and I'm sure he'd be happy to provide it."
After his wife had left the room, Phil summoned Gretchen with a bent finger.
"This man," Phil began. "Did you get a chance to look at his teeth?"
"Yes, did they look like they needed any work?" Upon seeing her confused expression, he decided to elaborate. "I sometimes do a bit of charity work, usually for orphans and the homeless. But I might be willing to branch out into the penal system if I find the right sort of person . . . catch my drift?"
"Oh." Gretchen's eyes lit up. "Don't worry, his teeth will be in terrible condition by the time he gets turned over to the DMLE."
"Very good. Thank you Gretchen."
"Thank you sir."
"Call me Phil."
"Mum, can I talk to you for a minute?" Ginny asked nervously.
"That depends," Molly said evenly. "Have you given up becoming a Dark Witch?"
"Yes mum," Ginny agreed.
"Alright then," Molly said with a happy smile. "What is it?"
"I want to be a vigilante," Ginny said quickly. "Called the Scarlet Witch after my hair."
"And this will get me grandchildren how?"
"Well, the Fox and the Hound are Harry's enemies right?"
"Yessss," Molly agreed slowly.
"Then if I catch them then maybe he'll look at me as a girl and not as his best friend's sister," Ginny said. "Then . . . well . . . you know . . . happy endings and all that."
"One problem with that Ginny," Molly sighed. "Harry is married to Hermione."
"What?" Ginny squawked. "When did that happen?"
"No one is sure," Molly replied. "And I'm told that the couple is trying to keep quiet until after they leave Hogwarts."
"Oh . . ." Ginny considered things for a moment. On the one hand, Hermione was her friend and it wouldn't be right to steal Harry away from her. She was a Weasley and there were those spells that needed more then two people so. "Um, my plan could still work mum."
"How?" Molly growled. "If you're planning to break them up . . ."
"No mum, I'm planning to join them. It's not illegal and you'll get even more grandchildren this way."
"Exactly how will I get more grandchildren this way?"
"Cause if I'm married to Harry then I'll be married to Hermione too," Ginny said quickly. "That way any children Hermione has will be your grandchildren too. See mum, it all works out."
"Genevra Molly Weasley, first you intend to become a Dark Witch and try to join your brothers harem causing me no end of worry and making me think that you're going to fall in with the wrong crowd and now this?" Molly said hotly. "Dear, I'm so glad to hear that you've given up your past foolishness and decided to find a nice grandchild producing activity, I'm proud of you my daughter."
"Thanks mum," Ginny beamed. "So I have your permission to become a costumed vigilante?"
"Permission?" Molly laughed, "I'll help you make the costume."
"Thanks mum, you're the greatest."
"What's wrong Hermione?" Harry asked.
"I don't know," Hermione replied. "I was in the middle of the best dream when I had this sudden feeling that something had just happened."
"Oh." He pulled her close. "Better?"
"Yes." She snuggled up to him. "Thank you, shall we . . ."
"Not until your foot heals up," Harry said with a smile. "Then until you can't walk."
"Damn . . . good night Harry."
"Crucio," Elizabeth watched with a happy smile as the hapless mugger once again squealed in pain. "Isn't this fun? Oh well, all good things must come to an end. Av . . ."
"Elizabeth," Gretchen yelled. "Stop."
"Did you want to do it then?" Elizabeth asked calmly.
"Doctor Jill doesn't want them dead," Gretchen explained breathlessly. "Says we're to hand him over to the Aurors."
"Because her husband wants to torture him," Gretchen said with a smile. "Isn't that romantic."
"Yeah," Elizabeth sighed. "It is."
"Let's kick in his teeth and get him to the Aurors then," Gretchen suggested. "Sooner we do, the sooner we can get our rewards."
"Kick in his teeth?"
"Doctor Phil wants to fix his teeth," Gretchen explained. "And he can't fix them if they're not broken."
"Oh . . . that makes sense I guess," Elizabeth agreed.
"Wake up Hermione," Luna's voice woke the other girl. "It's important."
"What is it Luna?" Hermione sighed.
"I just found out from father's contacts at the Ministry that your mother was attacked last night," Luna said with a worried frown. "And I just knew you'd want to hear about it as soon as possible, mothers are important."
"What happened, was she hurt?"
"Her bodyguards stopped things before anything could happen," Luna replied. "And the criminal was turned over to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement suffering from extreme Crucio exposure, fifteen broken bones, and a shattered jaw."
"Oh . . . so mum's ok then?"
"I think so," Luna agreed.
"Good," Hermione sighed. "That's good."
"Uh huh," Luna agreed.
"Thank you Luna," Hermione said with a smile. "I really appreciate the fact that you brought this to me."
"Hello Snivelus, my name is Healer Jameson. My colleague and I have been brought in to take a look at you."
"Do your worst," Snape managed to gasp. "There's nothing you can do to me."
"I think you misunderstand," the Healer said quickly. "We're not here to deal with your . . . issues. We're just here to repair your teeth."
"Really?" Snape asked sceptically. "No yogurt?"
"No yogurt," Healer Jameson agreed.
"Oh." Snape relaxed a bit, things were looking up.
"Oh, and let me introduce you to my colleague. Dr. Granger."
"And let me be the first to assure you that the fact that you bullied my daughter and were a bastard to my son in law will not in any way affect the treatment I give you," the man said sadistically. "Though it is my professional opinion that we can not use my painkillers, as they may react oddly to the potions you've been giving him."
"And I'm afraid we can't use any magic for the same reason," the healer sighed. "Pity."
"You wanted me to demonstrate my techniques didn't you?" Phil asked hopefully. "No magic?"
"If it isn't an inconvenience."
"No trouble," he said as he began pulling out his tools. "No trouble at all."
"Why me?" Snape lamented as they ratcheted his jaw open and locked it into position.
"I came here so fast this morning that I didn't have time to take a shower or take off my clothes," Luna began. "May I use your shower?"
"Sure Luna," Hermione agreed. "Anything you like."
"Oh thank you Hermione," Luna said with a smile. "Thank you thank you."
"You're welcome Luna," Hermione replied. She took another sip of her tea, there was something about that last conversation that bothered her. Her eyes shot open and Hermione raced towards the bathroom to find a very naked Luna in the shower with an equally naked Harry who had his hands over his naughty bits. "This isn't what I ment when I said anything Luna."
"I'm just taking a shower Hermione," Luna said innocently. "You said I could."
"Just a shower huh?"
"That's all," Luna said with a cheerful smile.
"Then why didn't you wait until Harry was out?"
"To save water of course," Luna said with a frown. "The environment is everyone's responsibility, I read that on the side of a bus on the way here."
"Ok Luna," Hermione said with a smile.
"Yup." Hermione's smile remained fixed as she reached over to turn off the hot water. "We should probably save electricity too and conserve hot water don't you think?"
"Uh huh," Luna agreed. "Do you want to huddle together for warmth Harry?"
Harry sighed, dropped his hands and stepped out of the shower. "Why don't you two work this out on your own?"
"Ok Harry," Luna agreed. "Do you want to come in here and huddle for warmth Hermione?"
"Never mind Luna," Hermione sighed. Her hand cranked up the hot water again. "Enjoy your shower."
AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, , Ben Russell-Gough, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Shawn Pickett, tekobaka, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, Brian Arcis, Fenris, Pelel, shinji the good sharer, and everyone on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to who wrote a large number of scenes. Yet another goes to The Resident who was good enough to do a bit of editing and caught several of my mistakes.
Omake by Steve2: Voldemort's Revenge
As Harry and Hermione came back into their home, the first thing they noticed was a brightly wrapped birthday present sitting on the floor in the living room. Sitting next to it on the couch was a beaming
"Luna? Is something wrong?" Harry asked cautiously, not sure how to take the situation. A happy Luna could mean any one of a variety of things.
"I'm sorry for not getting you a gift on your birthday like I'd meant to do. I'd had an idea in mind, but someone," she glared at Hermione for a moment, then put her gaze back on Harry, "wouldn't let me give you my cherry."
Harry was confused. "You got me a jar of cherries?"
Hermione smirked at this but didn't clear up Harry's confusion. It was fine just the way it was.
"No, I got you something else. Here it is."
Luna opened the box and pulled out a machine.
"It's... it's a... Luna, what is it?" Hermione asked.
Harry grinned. "Wow, you got something that made Hermione speechless. That's something, Luna."
"I know how to make her speechless any time, Harry."
"What are you… mumph."
"Wow, this is a great present," Harry said as he watched the girls.
Pushing her away, Hermione said, "Now stop that, Luna, or I'm going to tie you up again."
"You can tie me up all you want, but I'm going to have to insist on a spanking first."
Hermione stuck her tongue out at her smirking husband.
"Getting back on topic," Harry continued, "what is this, Luna?
"Oh, it's something that all important people should have. It announces your entrance like nothing else. It just screams you', you know?"
"It's a fog machine, Harry," Luna patted his knee while Hermione's eyes kept a constant visage as to where that hand might go.
After Luna left, with much assurances that he would put the fog machine to good use, Harry spent a few minutes just looking at the device from several different angles. It was clear to his wife that
he was concentrating. On what, she had no idea.
"Hey, Hermione, you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"You bet. Let me just go get the edible body paint and the whip cream and I'll be right back."
"Uh, well, I was thinking about the fog machine."
"Oh. Um, what about it?"
"I was thinking this really isn't our cup of tea, you know?"
She had to concede the point. "Yeah. No matter how interesting it is, I can't see the Fox and the Hound using a fog machine to announce themselves at a future crime scene."
"I have to agree with you that. Luna's heart is in the right place, though. But you know who could use a fog machine?"
"Fred could use one."
"I'm not sure politicians use fog machines, Harry."
"I know, but you know Fred. And this has his name written all over it."
"You just wrote them there. I saw you."
"Just goes to prove you're the smartest witch I know."
"And don't you forget it, buster. And you know what I'm thinking now?"
"That the body paint and whip cream are in the kitchen?"
"Absolutely. I'll be right back."
As Hermione made her way from the kitchen (with edible objects in her hands), Luna's face appeared in the fireplace. "Hermione?"
"Yes Luna?" Hermione stopped on her way back to the bedroom.
"Don't forget the cherry, Hermione. Do you want to use mine?"
"Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Those imbeciles! They will rue the day they crossed me," Voldemort cackled like the madman he was in his subterranean lair (also known as the Malfoy basement with lots of faux wood paneling).
"Yes, master," Wormtail replied automatically to his latest rant. It was easier to humour him instead of listening to him drone on and on (punctuated with an odd crucio here and there) about the need to listen to the greatest dark lord of all time (and no, I'm not referring to Dark Lord Ron Jeremy, Wormtongue!). It hadn't helped his cause any when Wormtail had heard a rumour about the other Dark Lord
not bothering to recruit more followers when he can create them instead, and had told his master that tidbit of news. That hadn't been a fun hour at all.
Next time he had news like that, he was going to have that odd fellow who liked the crucio give it.
"I realize what's been behind these setbacks, Wormtongue…"
"No, my attacks against the Dark Lord Ron Jeremy have been thwarted too often of late. If I don't put a stop to these defeats, my name will not be synonymous with terror and chaos."
"You mean they were?"
"I need a rallying cry, Wormtongue! Something that will expand our recruiting efforts to bring in new dark troops."
Wormtail wisely kept his mouth shut about not letting prospective dark applicants see the costume they had to wear until after they'd taken the dark mark.
"I have decided on another target. A target that hits close to these sheep in wizard robes. They will again fear my name like nothing else. It is time to do something about Minister Weasley!"
"Do you want me to place an order for 100 pizzas and have it delivered to him so he has to pay a sudden bill?" Wormtail asked slowly, not sure if he was going to get crucio'd again or not.
Voldemort thought about it for a moment. "An intriguing idea, Wormtongue, but not one to use at this time. Perhaps later against that fiend, Ron Jeremy. No, this time we are going to set loose the dementors on Minister Weasley. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
"Nervous, Fred?" Angelina asked, straightening her minister's robes a bit.
"Not really. It's just a speech. Working on a potion under Snape's scrutiny was more taxing. It sure was nice that Harry and Hermione gave us that fog machine."
"Gave you the fog machine, Fred. You're the minister."
"Nope. They gave it to the ministry. That means it belongs to you as well," he smirked at his girlfriend.
"So where is it?"
"I have George setting it up on stage now. It needs a few minutes to get going to make all that fog."
"He must have started it. It's getting a little cold in here."
"Well, I can't have my campaign manager getting cold now, can I? How about we share a little body heat?"
"Is that all we need to share?"
"I can think of a few other things," he said while pulling her into an embrace and kissing her for a few minutes.
"Mmmmmmmmm," she moaned as he moved to her neck. "Oh, Fred, you certainly know how to turn a girl on."
"Just you wait until I get you back home and then we can…"
"Fred! Fred!" an out of breath George ran into the room he and Angelina were in.
George reached up and tapped his wand on a thingy on his robe that he'd put there earlier. "Sorry about that, Fred."
"Sorry about what?"
"Um… well you know how we've been experimenting with some muggle things to put into the shop?" At Fred's nod, he continued. "Well, Katie and I, well, we sort of spelled that microphone thingy on your robe to activate earlier to test it outside with the sonorous spell and, well, the reporters heard your conversation with Angelina just
"How much of it?"
"All of it."
Minutes later, a flushed Fred comes into the speech room. The fog machine was going full blast. He tapped his microphone (what will those muggles come up with next – this thing was just spiffy, well, most of the time when his brother let him know it was on) and walked through the mist to the podium. "Hi, everyone. I'm glad you could make it," he started.
"Better than making out!" someone yelled from the back.
Considering there were only six reports present, Fred had a pretty good idea of who it was. Or would have had a good idea if he could see them. Man, that fog machine really worked in a closed spaces.
"Uh… right. Anyway, I just wanted to give you an idea of what's going on with the ministry these days. Just a heads up so to speak."
Voldemort sat in his throne at the breakfast table. He wore a fuzzy black robe cinched around his waist with some matching black fuzzy slippers, both of which Malfoy Sr. had procured for him prior to his incarceration. He knew he was going to have to do something about the new tenants on the main floor before too long. Why Narcissa had thought to sell this house (with his lair in it) was beyond him. But he was certainly getting tired of those new tenants moving their furniture around all the time, scuffing the floor, just making themselves at home in his lair! It was unheard of and they were going to have to be taught a lesson. If it hadn't been for the Fidelius charm he'd put on the basement door, who knows what kind of tomfoolery they'd have tried down here.
He sipped his cup of coffee and read the paper. The headline was not full of doom and gloom like he had expected. Instead, it read:
MINISTER WEASLEY AND HIS FIRST LADY GET DOWN AND FUNKY WITH EACH OTHER!
What had happened to his plan? Where had his dementors gone? Why weren't they back yet? Where was that idiot Wormtongue when he needed his bagel toasted?
Moments later Voldemort felt the familiar chill run down his spine and saw one of the dementors drift into his sanctuary. I wonder where all the others are? he thought.
Putting the paper down, Voldemort cast the ministry-restricted, super- duper secret spell that allowed him to converse with the dementor (and allowed the Ministry to keep them working at their prison prior to them telling the Wizard Warden to take his job and shove it). "What happened to the plan?" Voldemort hissed. "Were you foiled? Too many patronus and you were forced to retreat?"
"No," it hissed back. "The aurors and ministry staff didn't even know we were there. We infiltrated like you said we could. We were poised for attack in his speech room. Again, as you planned."
"Then what happened?" Had Voldemort been a better student of body language, he would have been able to tell that the dementor was a little livid.
The dementor pointed a finger at Voldemort and said, "You didn't tell us he had a fog machine! Do you know how much that hurts? Do you know how it feels to have your being atomized in one of those blasted machines and then shot out the other end with the rest of the rubbish? Do you? It took me all day to put myself back together again and I'm not even sure if I have my right arm or someone else's! Now due to your shoddy lack of information, I've got to go back home and take inventory with the rest of the gang. That is, once they reconstitute themselves! Do you know how much I hate going back home?"
"What's a fog machine?" Voldemort wondered aloud.
The dementor looked up the sky (or more appropriately, to the ceiling which was the floor of the main level above). "Wizards!" he choked in annoyance.
The dementor ghosted closer and reached out with his hand to grab Voldemort's robes, pulling him out of his chair (er, throne). "Now here's a little reason why I think you ought to tell me the next time if you are sending me into a situation that has a fog machine! It's a little something I picked up when I watched one of you humans called Uncle Bubba elucidate his exasperation of a situation to someone else."
It was strange, but Voldemort could have sworn he heard the dementor crack his knuckles.
Wormtail heard screaming coming down the hall while he was taking a bath, but didn't think much of it since his room was next to the guy who designed the recent version of the assless chaps for the Death Eaters.