Harry & Luna
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Rorschach's Blot - Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood!
Chapter 59 - Lost appendage
Disclaimer: Make sure of your target, always make sure of your target.
Lost . . . appendage
"Hermione," Jill said to her daughter as the door was about to close.
"I need you and Harry to come over to dinner some time soon to discuss something, ok dear?"
"Yes mum," she agreed. "What do you want to discuss?"
"It's nothing bad," she was quick to assure her daughter. "I just . . . have some important news to share with you."
"Thank you dear." She hugged Hermione and skipped down the hall with a large grin on her face.
"That was odd," Hermione mused. With a shrug, she closed the door and returned to the bedroom. "Harry, I almost forgot."
"I got something odd from the Macnair job," Hermione replied.
"Some sort of cup," Hermione continued. "Reeked of dark magic."
"What'd you do with it?"
"Warded it as heavily as I could," she replied. "Could you add a few wards of your own to it tomorrow?"
"Sure," he agreed. "Now come to bed."
Voldemort wandered through the kitchen to get a late night snack. Sure, beings of evil always stayed up all night, and slept most of the day away, but it could get boring. And hungry.
He noticed the copy of the Prophet open on the table. Wormtail had finished the Soduko and copied the runes into the spaces on the side.
"Past, Old, Night, Leige, Holdings, Wind, Hair. That's supposed to be funny? Maybe they're not using correct translations. Ancient? Former? Wouldn't be deceased - too many runes for death to be that.
"Night? Shadow? Dark? Not Black, again too many other runes if that's what they meant.
"Leige? King? No. Ruler? Lord?
"Holdings? Possessions? Carries? Tense probably dependant on the rest of the line.
"Wind. Air? Not breath - that's usually indicated by a Spirit rune.
"Hair? Face? Probably not. Head?
"Old shadow ruler posses air head? Has?
"Former dark lord carries air head? or colloquially:
"Former dark lord is an AIR HEAD! WORMTONGUE!"
"What? What!" the little man, still in his pajamas came staggering into the room at a half run. "Yes, my Lord?"
"Morning Luna," Hermione said without opening her eyes. "Would you mind taking your hand off of my breasts?"
"I rather think I would," Luna said after a moment of thought. "Why do you ask?"
"Take your hands off my breasts," Hermione sighed.
"Do I have to?"
"Can't I just keep them there for a little longer?"
"No you can not."
"You're adamant about this?" Luna persisted, "there's no way I could persuade you to change your mind?"
"Thank you Luna," Hermione said with a happy smile. "Keep your hands off Harry too."
"Awww . . ."
Kingsly was awoken by a stream of liquid hitting his forehead and he looked up to confirm that yes, the hound portion of the Dark Mark had his leg raised while the fox portion snickered.
"I hate those guys," he sighed to himself. No matter how many times he'd moved his bed, he still woke up the same way. "What did I do to bring this on?" He lamented. "What?"
Tonks and the tentacle monster were on patrol in Diagon Alley. Tonks had finally found what had been bothering Tim, and was now in the very awkward position of having to give him advice.
"Tim, I just don't think I'm the right person to be helping you with this problem. Of course I'm your friend, but I'm. . . ." Whatever Tonks had been about to say was interrupted as the door nob of the store they passing formed into a cartoonish face and started shouting.
"Robbery! Robbery going on! It's still going on!" A nearby woman yelled and started running away (as fast as her full length skirts would allow). Tonks' Auror skills took over and she surveyed the area. Orloff's Jewelers was set back just a little from the other stores - that meant it probably had an anti apparition ward that extended out from the front of the store. As she brought her wand up, she knew she'd just have one shot to stop the perp.
The door opened, and someone came out quickly.
"Stupify!" The red light of the spell flashed through the air. She had aimed ahead of the person, and her skills were true; the spell hit the figure knocking it to the ground where she noticed the hands were tied.
She looked up a moment too late as the real thief cast, "Reduto!"
She watched in slow motion as the spell flew at her. With cool detachment, she realized the explosive spell would scatter pieces of her digestive system all over the street and that she probably wouldn't survive the massive damage for more than a few seconds.
As she started to wonder why her life wasn't flashing before her eyes she felt a sharp shove and was pushed out of the way of the spell. The last thing she saw before hitting her head was a tentacle exploding in a rather disgusting shower of ichor and flesh.
"Luna's gone," Hermione said in a husky voice as she dropped into Harry's lap. "And she won't be back for a few hours."
"Oh?" Harry asked with a grin. "Whatever shall we do to pass the time?"
"I've got a couple ideas," she whispered as her fingers nimbly undid the buttons on his shirt. "I've been reading that book Ron sent us and . . . Damn." She growled, "there's someone at the door."
"I didn't hear anything," Harry said as he recaptured her lips. "Just ignore it."
"Ok," she moaned. The knock came again, harder this time. "This had better be important."
"Wait here," Harry ordered. "I'll be right back."
"Hurry," she demanded. "I'm feeling rather . . . frustrated."
"Be back in a flash," he promised. Harry stalked over to the door and opened it violently. "What?"
"Um . . . Madame Bones requests your assistance at the crime scene," the young Auror stammered nervously.
"I'm busy," Harry growled. "Leave."
"I'm afraid I have to insist," he persisted. "Two Aurors were injured and . . ."
"Who?" Harry demanded. "How badly?"
"Auror Tonks and Auror Tim suffered serious injuries when the suspect got violent," the Auror replied.
"Let me grab my wand," Harry said in defeat. Harry walked back to the bedroom and gave Hermione a look of sorrow. "We've got to go, Tonks got hurt and Madame Bones wants us to look at the crime scene."
"I'll . . ." she choked. "I'll just grab my wand then."
"We can pick up where we left off later," Harry suggested.
They geared up and met the Auror at the front door. "Let's get this over with," Harry suggested.
"Right this way then," the Auror agreed. They followed him down to the street to the scene of the crime. "This is it."
"Sorry to disturb you two," Madame Bones said. "But I need answers now."
"We understand," Hermione sighed. "Is Tonks doing ok?"
"She should be fine," Amelia assured them. "The Healers tell me that she should be waking up any time now."
"What about her partner?"
"Tim's missing an . . . appendage," Amelia said. "We're hoping that it will grow back, but the Healers aren't sure if that will happen."
"No one is quite sure how tentacle monsters work," Amelia explained. "We're bringing in a specialist from Japan."
"What do you need me to look at?"
"How were they able to get past the wards around the shop?"
"Easy," Harry said after a glance at the store facade. "There aren't any."
"There is a small warded area under the floor," Harry added. "Other then that, nothing I could call wards with a straight face."
"Then how did they expect to keep their merchandise safe?" Amelia asked with a frown.
"With the unbreakable glass at a guess," Harry said after a moment of thought. "Should have renewed the enchantments. Either business isn't doing good, or they're cutting a lot of corners to increase their profit margins."
"Thank you, and sorry for disturbing you."
"You should be," Hermione growled.
"What was that?"
"No problem at all," she replied with a fake smile.
"Where are you? I've been a very naughty girl."
"Hey mum can I . . ." Charlie froze in horrified shock. "Dad?"
"Hello son," Arthur said with as much dignity as he could muster. "I see you decided to make a surprise visit."
"Why are you wearing mum's clothes?"
"Well . . ."
"There you are you naughty wench," Molly said in delight as she entered the room. "Uh . . . hello Charlie."
"Mum?" Charlie said sickly. "You're wearing dad's clothes."
"Well you see son," Arthur began. "It's like this, the two most important things in every relationship are honesty and . . ."
Tonks slowly regained consciousness. She was in the Auror's infirmary.
"Ah, you're awake," said Doc, responding to her groans. "Drink this."
She swallowed the potion.
"Ewww, what was that?"
"Actually, a standard headache and anti concussion potion. The Potion Master has been experimenting with trying to make it taste better. That was the cherry flavored one."
"I think I'd swear a blood feud against cherry trees if I thought that was really cherry."
"I'll pass your constructive criticism along. But if you're feeling better then you better get up. You still have time to get to the presentation."
"Yes, Tim's getting a commendation. In the press room."
Tonks got there during the question and answer session.
Director Bones was answering a question, "Yes, I admit that I had some concerns when we first assigned Tim to street patrol. I personally kept a close eye on his activities for the department. This was definitely an experiment, but I think everyone would agree after today's events that Tim is an effective Auror. Not only did he save the life of his partner, he apprehended the thief."
"Director, will you be hiring any more tentacle monsters as Aurors?"
"Not at this time. Tim has been employed for many years by the department, and we felt that he had picked up the skills for his current position. Should any other tentacle monster apply, we would evaluate their skills as we would for any other applicant."
"What about his run for office?"
Madam Bones looked at Tim and he nodded one of his eyes. She turned back to the gathered reporters and answered, "I spoke with Tim after the announcement was made in the paper. His candidacy was as much a surprise to him as to me. We felt, though, that if the people who signed the petition to get him on the ballot thought he could do the job, he could have the opportunity. I felt he handled the media scrutiny and other distasteful parts of the campaign with grace and poise, and acted as I would hope any Auror would in the circumstances. Thank you."
The gathering broke up, and Tonks made her way over to Tim. She noticed one of his tentacles wrapped in bandages and only half as long as the rest of them.
"Congrats, partner. And thanks." Tim wrapped Tonks in a multi tentacle hug.
"Hey, Tonks! We're going to buy Tim a few rounds. Join us, if your up to it."
Tim looked at Tonks expectantly. She smiled, and said, "Sure, lead the way."
AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, , dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Shawn Pickett, tekobaka, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, Brian Arcis, Fenris, Pelel, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to who wrote a large number of scenes. Yet another goes to The Resident who was good enough to do a bit of editing and caught several of my mistakes.Some Omake by thekecmaster "And if all else fails, lock the door, unplug the phone, tie him down, and forget about the world for a week."
Harry woke up the next morning, with Hermione still sleeping next to his spot on the bed & Luna snoozing on the couch. He decided to start off this morning by taking a long, cold shower in order to calm himself down from the previous day's excitement. When he closed the bathroom door, Luna awakened & sat down on the bed, preparing for an episode of Harry's shower. It was at this point that Hermione awakened.
"Luna, where's Harry?"
"Shhhh, he's about to cleanse himself for us."
"Not quite. Luna, Harry & I would like to have some, well, time to ourselves tonight."
"Can I watch?" Asked Luna as she began lightly massaging Hermione's shoulder.
"Not tonight, but another time maybe. Put on some clothes."
"What are you going to do?"
"Oh, I'm going to make sure that Harry is not bothered for a week or so. Want to help with that part?"
"Do I get to watch tomorrow night?" (Luna pecks Hermione on the lips)
"Oh, fine. But only watching tomorrow night."
"Good. I have a great idea. It's time to visit the Dark Bunnies, they might have some additional pointers."
Harry comes out of the bathroom in a bathrobe. "Morning Luna, morning Hermione."
"Harry, Luna & I have to go out. Do you think you could return after dark?"
Harry was about to ask why, but then he saw an evil grin on Hermione's face & Hermione surreptitiously unfasten a button on her blouse. "Sure. After I fix Kingsley's problem, I think I'll go visit Ron."
"Sounds good. See you later Harry! Don't stay out too long."
"My goodness Kingsley, this is quite a dark mark."
"Yes, Mr. Potter, no one has been able to remove it. They say only you can."
"Here's the problem - the mark was warded three times over. Now it's gone, Kingsley."
"I'm really sorry about the other night - I had no idea that you were out all that time."
"Kingsley, it's okay. Mistakes happen."
"Tell Hermione I'll make it up to you two."
"Don't worry about it Kingsley. Well, I'm off."
"Have a good day Mr. Potter."
"You too Kingsley."
Hermione & Luna went over to Mrs. Weasley's house to try to find the Dark Lord Jeremy. After a bit of fussing & some hot chocolate, she directs the two young witches to Jeremy's lair. Gretchen & Elizabeth answer the door.
"Hermione! Luna! what are you doing here?" asked Gretchen.
"Actually, I need your help. You see, Harry & I..."
"...have not had sex yet," said Luna. "Hermione has been ready the past few nights, but she really intends to do it tonight. And I think it would be nice if Hermione had some restraints & knowledge of how to use them, as well as how to make treacle tart."
"Luna! Why would I need restraints?"
"I heard your mom say this last night, 'And if all else fails, lock the door, unplug the phone, tie him down, and forget about the world for a week.' The treacle tart, meanwhile, is Harry's favorite dish. He eats it with his happiest face, almost as happy as when I fed him that horrible soup while I ..."
Elizabeth countered, "And how do you plan on having the wizarding world miss him for a week?"
Hermione replied, "That's simple. I have a few notes that I will be sending to certain important people: Fred, Prof. McGonagall, Madame Bones, Gringotts, & Mrs. Weasley. Speaking of which, I need Ron to distract Harry."
Gretchen inquires, "Distract Harry?"
Hermione continued, "Yes, Harry said he was going to visit Ron once he fixed Shacklebolt's problem."
Elizabeth replied, "I'll get Dark Lord Jeremy to get Ron to be there; it won't be a problem."
Gretchen finished, "While she does that, we need to educate you on restraints & tart..."
Hermione fixed up a great meal for Harry; steak & kidney pie, chicken soup, & his favorite, treacle tart. By the time Harry came home from Ron's, he stared, awestruck.
"Hermione, did you make all this?"
"I did, Harry. I hope you like it!"
"Thank you, Hermione. I love you."
"I love you too, Harry."
Harry ate his dinner with joy, much to Hermione's delight. After dinner, Hermione invited him over to bed.
Harry cheerfully asked, "No Luna tonight?"
"Nope, we've got the whole night to ourselves."
After some kisses, they went to sleep. The next morning, Hermione woke up early & tied Harry to the bed.
"Hermione, why am I tied up?"
"I'm just making sure that you're not going anywhere for a little while."
"But wait, we have jobs to do & things to steal."
"They won't run away. And neither will you."
Harry didn't say more, for at that point Hermione started to tease him by gracefully sliding off some top layers of clothing...
"Hermione, that was incredible."
The next day, Harry & Hermione went over to see a movie. The movie was a romantic comedy, which resulted in some hilarious laughing & some playful flirting by the end for these two people. After the movie, they went home & gobbled some of the leftovers from the night before. After lunch, they decided to have some fun while there was a late afternoon sun. A few hours later, Hermione woke up first & retied Harry to the bed. It was at this point that Luna came over in a french maid uniform.
"Ooh, now you've got the right idea Hermione."
"Now Luna, I promised you that you could come over."
Luna saw Harry tied up on the bed & made a move towards him. Hermione stopped her.
"I only, however, said looking. And just to make sure, I'm going to tie you up."
Hermione took Luna & sat her down in a chair facing the bed. She tied her wrists behind the chair & then tied each ankle to a leg of the chair. Harry awoke to the audible movements, & countered, "Hermione, where have you been?"
"Just making sure that Luna doesn't interfere. And now, Harry, the fun begins again!"...